At first I thought I didn’t have the ability to love. That my heart was purely incapable of feeling love for another human being. My heart and my mind were never in sync with each other. But as I grew older I discovered I am capable of love. Not just love for my children that comes with the bond, but also a bond with another human being. A bond so strong its almost strange to find. Well I found him, and it was in the most strange of all places. I met this wonderful man at a psychiatric hospital. The first time I saw him I knew I wanted to be with him. His whole being and outlook was so beautiful and the creativity could be seen from the heart miles away. To this day I swear that moment I saw him he already had my heart. He didn’t even have to say anything yet. It began with small talk over a cup of almond milk which is one of my favorites. That small offer grew into something so beautiful I can barely describe it. We both discharged from the hospital. We were both going through our own dark times, but together we had promised to help each other come out of it. He changed my life, my perspective, and my future. When I first saw him I didn’t think all these things were going to happen so fast, but they did. My higher power just wanted it that way, and I am totally fine with that.
He proposed to me on September 11, 2015 (maybe odd timing but to us it made that day so much happier for us.) He ended up proposing to me at the first spot we ever hung out together after the hospital. I remember turning around and seeing him down on one knee, and ended up hearing “Love Buzz”- cover by Nirvana. At that time we had only been together for three months. Out late night talks, the sparks, and the connection were so deep, we both couldn’t help ourselves. He has seen me through my worst possible moments. He was the one who helped me raise my first son, Joshua. He held my hand every time I went to the psychiatric hospital or had an overdose. He was there through thick and thin as much as a human possibly could be. It was never all that bright and happy all the time – I mean come on, we both met at a psychiatric hospital. The one thing that blessed me the most with him was that he was not a drug user and never has been one. To this day he is still cheers me on through my recovery. He no longer has to witness the filthy lifestyle of addiction. We ended up having our own baby together when I got out of rehab for the last time. He was born on November 10, 2016, his name is Collier. If there is one thing I love most about my soul mate is how great of a dad he is. He stepped in full time when I couldn’t, and showed him a life he deserved. He basically kept him safe from my relapse. I still can’t thank him enough for that today. At the time it was hard to accept that they would be moving out temporarily, but today I am very grateful for that consequence.
(The photo of us on the bridge with the water is where he proposed) I’m saying all of this because I love this man with all of my heart and I have been treating him so wrong lately. We both have been neglecting each other because I keep trying to push him away. He is my soul mate and my everything. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Maybe ours didn’t sound like it would make it far but we are. After we had our son I started to become distant. I don’t know what it is about having a child with the person you love so much, and then all of a sudden start despising them? And honestly he hasn’t done anything wrong, it’s been me. I think it could be stress or depression.
But Josh, if you are reading this know that I love you so much. I still love you like the feelings I had in the beginning. The betrayal and hurt has left a scar on the both of us, but we have not given up on each other. And I promise I am still not going to give up until the day that I die. I know things have not been perfect at all. At the end of the day though I still know how I feel about you and it is even greater than before. We will make it through this dark tunnel and come out together shining. I promise – I will not give up on this. With every breath I take I love you more and more each day.